Lately, I've been - I'm embarrassed to admit - watching a fair amount of Sandra Lee videos. More than anything, I'm spurred on by a morbid curiosity to see just how abominable the woman's creations can get (although nothing can top the infamous Kwanzaa Cake
, of course).
I always read the comments on Sandra Lee videos. Most of them are amusingly negative. Most comments are relatively grammatical and follow spelling and punctuation rules fairly well. These same comments tend to be well-formed articulate arguments against going to the lengths she reaches in her insistence on purchasing such horrendous items as Cool Whip
and baby food
for use in her frightening desserts (her other dishes rarely ever look inedible, but her ideas of what constitutes a delicious dessert are truly terrifying).
On the opposite end of the spectrum, commenters utilizing poor grammar, spelling, and punctuation generally do one of three things:
1. The same as the well-written comments, usually in a more vulgar fashion,
2. Be whiny defenses of Sandra Lee's show, claiming that the woman is some kind of heroine, or
3. Expressing desires to rape Sandra Lee in various ways. This is sometimes combined with #2.
In one of the videos I watched
, Sandra Lee, wearing a lacy pink number whose sleeves kept drooping into the food (it was "Fairy Princess Party" day on Semi-Homemade
), showed us all how to make "fruit wands" using store-bought pre-cubed fruit; she also made a dip out of vanilla yogurt and honey. For the most part, the comments follow the pattern I described.
This comment from "animallov3rgurl," however, particularly appeals to me:"o at me and my friends party we cut the watermelon in half(we used watermelon) and scooped out melon balls and we used the side of the bowl with the dip we put the skewers on there and used the other half as fruit to put on the wand we put 5 strawberry slices in the middle and a blueberry as a flower in the dip but like no one ate it"
Why? Well, its near-lack of punctuation and capitalization caused me to nearly skip over it, and upon reading, it all sounds like a mild defense of Sandra Lee's "recipe" ... until we reach the very end. "But like no one ate it." It's short and sounds like an offhand remark, and yet it's surprisingly effective in debunking Sandra Lee's claim that "the girls will love it." Sure, it's visually appealing; we all like colors. But the simple fact is that your average American kid isn't likely to want fruit (or vegetables, or anything that is not baked, fried, frozen, and/or covered in frosting) as a party snack.
This is a classic case of money and energy spent for what ends up being nothing but a centerpiece, and mundane as the anecdote is, it somehow is more damaging to this Sandra Lee "recipe" than any longwinded rant about storebought cakes' tasting like cardboard. It isn't an argument, but an experience in disappointment. And if "animallov3rgurl" really is a prepubescent girl, as I'm guessing, her youth adds a layer of pathos to her comment as we picture this young lady painstakingly emptying a watermelon of its innards, smiling hopefully at the thought of her friends' glee upon seeing fruit wands perched in front of them, the edible rainbow reflected in their glistening eyes. They'll be so impressed with their friend, just barely a teenager but already skilled enough to craft such a glorious tribute to the healthfulness of sweet fruit. It will be a thing of beauty.
"But like no one ate it."
You see that, Sandra Lee?
It turned out nobody gave a shit.
I voted your comment up, "animallov3rgurl," whoever you are. In bringing down the advancing threat of a semi-homemade regime, your experience is worth more than ten "fuck this shit why do we need a show that tells us how to do these things"s. More than fifty "Jesus Christ, that yogurt probably already has HFCS in it, and she's adding honey to it? Yeah, I bet that's really healthy"s. And while it won't reach the heights of the entirety of the Kwanzaa Cake video, it may be enough to make people think twice about picking up that can of Betty Crocker's cream cheese frosting.
I salute you.
(Addendum: Entire post obviously not to meant to be taken seriously. But Sandra Lee
can still go take her cocktail tree
and shove it up her vodka-scented ass.)